When it seems like things are getting ~serious,~ it’s time to go a little deeper with “The Talk.”
Hopefully, by this point, you know you’re in that same book just by getting to know one another. But if you aren’t sure about certain things — ask. And share about yourself, too.
Laying your financial life bare can get emotional — and feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger, and / or vulnerability can bubble up. So above all else, the feeling you’re going for is one of open-mindedness, love, and respect. You also want to be clear that you’re not prying — you’re sharing info about your financial picture too, not just asking about theirs. Maybe open the conversation with something like this:
“I’m really happy with you. And I’ve been thinking: You know how they say that the #1 reason couples fight is money? I don’t want that to be us! I want to tell you about where I stand financially and how I think about my money, and I’d really like to hear those things from you, too. Maybe we can start to set some goals that we can work on together. What do you think?”
Here’s what you’re going to want to know about each other:
- What are each of your approaches to spending money? This is a good one to start with, because it’s about the day-to-day stuff, and you’ve probably already seen some of where you’re each coming from. What kinds of things do you think are worth splurging on and saving for? Do you both have a good idea of what you have coming in and what’s going out? Do you track every penny, or are you more of a 50/30/20 rule kind of person? (Or an “it’ll work itself out” person or a “la la la I can’t hear you” person?) It might also be useful to talk about how your parents approached money because that usually affects how you approach it, too.
- How do you each feel about your finances at the moment? Do they have debt? And if so, are they working on paying it off? Some people manage to avoid debt their whole lives, but most don’t, and paying it off has a big impact on how much of your income is left for saving and spending. Discuss what kinds of debt you each have — student loans, car loans, credit cards, etc. — and what their balance and interest rates are. Do they have an emergency fund, just in case? It might be good to ask about their credit score, too — and if it’s not so great, whether they’re working on fixing it.
- What are your short-term money plans? Here’s where you can get a feel for where you’re headed together over the next year or so. Do they have plans to get that debt paid off ASAP? To build an emergency fund? To change jobs any time soon? Are you both currently saving for retirement?
- What are your dreams for the future? Are you working on it? This is the fun part. Do you want to buy a home in a few years? What do you dream about when you dream about retirement? Putting those things out on the table now will help you each understand why the other person may be making today’s financial choices — and gives you the opportunity to maybe even sync up your plans, once you’re ready.
If you can build a relationship built on trust and openness around money, you will both be better off — and you’ll be better off together, too.