For a long time, talking about money has been a pretty big taboo. And when you’re dating someone, trying to present your “best self,” money might feel like an especially touchy topic. But actually, talking about money — early and often — is better for your relationship.
Nobody’s always on the same page about money. It’s an emotional subject. Everyone’s taught about it differently. But you can discover if you’re at least in the same book.
And when you are, it’s easier to make decisions together, respect and support one another’s goals, and, maybe someday, trust one another to protect your joint financial future. Plus, in one study, 78% percent of couples who talk about money every week said they’re happy.
But the types of money conversations you might have will be different depending on what stage your new relationship is in.
The biggest money question on the very first date is often who pays. If you’re the one asking, you may want to be clear and add, “My treat!” Some people prefer to split the cost of a date in half, no matter who asked. Some prefer to always pay for the first date, and still others prefer when their date pays.
One way you might clear up any assumptions is to ask ahead of time. Maybe a text like this:
Can’t wait for dinner on Friday! Just wondering — do you usually like to split the check, or have one of us pick it up and then maybe take turns? I’m happy to do it however, just trying to avoid the check dance, lol.
The name of the game here is openness. If you can treat money as a natural part of the conversation early on, it’s less likely to become awkward later.
When your relationship is relatively new, talking about money doesn’t have to be some big, serious conversation, and it’s by no means about dating someone based on their finances. But a healthy relationship is built in part on shared values … and money touches a lot of different values you’ll be exploring. So it’s a part of the getting-to-know-this-person process.
On your end, that might mean being honest about how much you’re willing to spend on date nights. For example:
Hey for our next date, can we [insert inexpensive date idea here]? I have some big things I’m saving for at the moment / I’m trying to knock out my student loans ASAP / I just increased my 401(k) contribution (woohoo!) / I’m trying to be intentional about my budget this month. I 100% want to see you, I’m just hoping to spend like [$X amount] or less.
Other money values should just come up in conversation while you’re on a date. Things like, “Are you saving up for anything fun?” or “Where do you want to travel next?” are great get-to-know-you topics.
Opportunities to talk about money and learn more about how they approach it can come up naturally. A la:
- I’ve been thinking I want to try building a monthly budget. Do you use one?
- How much do you want to spend on the weekend getaway we’re planning? Should we save up for it?
- My parents always fought about money. Did yours?
- Drinks on me tonight, I just finished filing my taxes!
Again, this isn’t about making judgments; it’s about getting to know the other person, their emotional life, their values, and their plans better. And while financial status doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, respect definitely should be. If you find your date disrespecting your opinion or your own money journey: red flag. And if you truly can’t respect theirs: same.